


Chaos

by aluinihi



Series: Royal Silence [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, But I foresee comfort in a close future, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, Ishbal | Ishval, M/M, Xerxes | Cselkcess, Xerxian Ed, i like him tho, this AU is not over so don't give up, van ho is a bitch and surprises a total of 0 people, watch out for Ed's potty mouth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 10:32:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16116590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aluinihi/pseuds/aluinihi
Summary: It was not good. But it was not evil either.'Chaos' did not mean 'end'.And sometimes, Edward needed to remind himself of that.





	Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2, finally!  
> I must apologize: I had two chapters written for this, but for some unknown reason they got deleted. I was so pissed off that I thought of completely abandoning this AU, then today I had an epiphany and wrote this in 20 minutes. Guess I'm back to it now haha.
> 
> English is not my native language, warn me of mistakes, please!

In the beginning, there was only chaos.

Edward was accustomed to reading that in books, many books. They all talked about some force, or maybe energy; something above the idea of _‘thing’_ and ‘ _no-thing_ ’, beyond being and _nihil_ and human comprehension. It sounds like God to him, but God has a name, therefore, it couldn’t be. Edward was never one to believe in God, or religion or _primal principles_. But he did believe that everything tended to chaos.

For a good portion of his life, he thought that chaos was aligned to death. Everything tends to death—or better yet, every _living_ thing tends to death. He thought chaos was a different way to speak of _post-mortem_. However, that was years ago, when he was a small kid trying to learn alchemy by watching the court’s alchemists.

 _Chaos_ did not mean _end_.

Van Hohenheim was reading his correspondence. Ed knew that he knew – and he probably knew that Ed knew about that – but there were no efforts on his Father’s part to change anything. The duke threw him glances from time to time, long and dripping pity: the eyes of an outsider on a funeral. Alphonse knew too because Ed told him right from the beginning. Mother was left blissfully unaware until her very last breath and few were the moments the boy regretted it.

Edward clutched the envelope to his chest as if his life depended on it. In the end, it kind of did. _Father knows, Father knows_ and Alphonse was looking at him with a worried expression at the overly large dinner table and no one had said a thing. Van Hohenheim was eating his main meal when the elder son fled dinner and kept doing so even as Alphonse screamed ‘ _Brother!_ ’ and ran as well.

Edward slumped against the bathroom door, letting himself fall with his legs stretched over the cold tiles. It was the smallest space on the royal dependencies and yet Ed felt as if the universe was staring back at him through the mirror across the room. The four marble walls were laughing at him, saying mean words while the _stupid stubborn tears_ welled up on his eyes and just _spilled_.

_My dear Edward—_

He’d read the letter. It was short, half-page kind of short, and so short for Roy who writes a _fucking sonnet_ only to say he wants to thread his fingers through blond hair and Ed could guess what was written there just by the length. He’d read it once, twice, read it until it hurt to read, and then read more.

_—called up for service—_

He couldn’t cry. Not like he just did. He couldn’t read a letter and _start weeping_ in front of people who would whisper. He couldn’t have run away. Van Hohenheim hadn’t said anything but that didn’t change the fact that _he knew_ and he had trusted Ed to keep it low and Ed had failed.

_—State Alchemists—_

The servants were starting to notice. He waited for the mail like it would bring rain to the desert, he spent his money on music records like jazz lover, he daydreamed like a thirteen-year-old girl. Edward Elric was actually writing letters and that was definitely the first clue that something had happened back in Amestris.

_—the Ishvalan rebellion—_

Edward wanted to scream. At someone or something or maybe at himself, he couldn’t decide. He wanted the shout to rip his throat and lungs, to make him bleed inside out until his body was empty of all things that kept it alive. He wanted to scream at Roy even though it wasn’t his fault, at Alphonse for being so recklessly supportive, at Father _who knew_ and could’ve stopped the whole thing before it could destroy him like this.

_—won’t be able to read your—_

Fuck Roy and his romance. Fuck his nice words, and nice face and stupid fucking nice way of treating Edward as if they were equals. Fuck his music records, fuck waltzing around the room at midnight, fuck Billie Holiday and _I’m a Fool to Want You_. Fuck this feeling, this _parasite_ that made him suffer so much and made him _care_.

_—Forever yours,_

He opened the door. Only for Alphonse, obviously. His younger brother could drag him out of this Hell; or at least out of the bathroom and to a proper bed.

Al petted his head – not like Roy or Mother, thank God, but close enough to bring a hurtful sort of comfort. If he closed his eyes he could see nothing, and he wondered how long it would take for him to  _feel_  nothing as well.

The next day, another suitor was stepped on. Before, Ed felt sorry for the hearts he broke and ambitions he crushed, and then it stopped hurting altogether. He began to enjoy it, the shattered look on the patriarch’s face when his Father shrugged and denied the marriage offer. He’d made a vow with Mother, one to never marry a child without the child’s consent. And Edward said no and would keep saying no until they gave up, until people wished him a good morning just like they did when he was a kid.

Chaos was not good. But it was not evil either.

 _Chaos_ did not mean _end_.

And sometimes, Edward needed to remind himself of that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued... I hope...
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aluinihi.tumblr.com/)


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